Fic: Veteran of the psychic wars

[seeing_ghosts]

Veteran of the psychic wars
Summary: Dean is way too sleepy. 
Dean, Sam, gen, 1,000 words, PG

Written for hoodie_time's Dean-focused hurt/comfort comment-fic meme, for this amazing prompt by maypoles. The title is taken from Blue Öyster Cult's song of the same name that is - let's be honest - totes about Dean. And just to be clear - I did research some but not too much since I decided that the medical aspect wasn't the focus of the story. And I don't think the Winchesters can get any common mental or health problems with how difficult their lives are anyway - there will always be more to it. Which is basically my excuse for any factual and medical inaccuracies. Fic is unbeta'd, english is not my first language, constructive criticism is always welcome.




Dean is just tired; he goes to sleep and wakes up as tired as he was the night before but given their lifestyle it's not too surprising. Dean tries to remember the last time he felt rested and realizes he can't. It's been like that for a few months but now that Sam's back, whole and right in the head again, Dean feels like he's crashing – hard.

But he's just tired. Just tired, and Sam staring at him like Dean's an object that needs to be studied won't change anything about it.



"I think you might be depressed, Dean," Sam says and looks up at him from the computer. Dean opens his eyes slowly and lifts his right forearm he was covering his eyes with. His eyelids feel heavy and hard to open as if they were covered with glue and lead. He turns his head to look at Sam and narrows his eyes at him.

"Why the fuck would I ever be depressed," he says and the bite that was meant to be there gets lost baneath how tired Dean sounds, his tongue tripping and stumbling over the words and his teeth and Dean has to blink to keep himself awake.

"Seriously," Sam says, "I googled it and it says one of the most common causes of excessive sleeping is depression and really, Dean, how could you not be?" He's looking at Dean like a lost little puppy. "With everything going on, and ever since my wall broke I was too... I didn't pay attention and – "

Sam sounds like he might implode every second now, voice tight with guilt and Dean cuts in.

"Sam, Sam, no, shut up. Listen, you had your own shit to deal with, I had mine and we're still here. I'm not depressed," Dean spits the word out like venom, like it might pollute his mind if he kept dwelling on it for too long, "I'm just tired as fuck and I won't be able to sleep unless you shut up and turn the laptop off. "

Silence fills the room for a moment before Sam lets out a quick breath. "Alright," he says but Dean doesn't hear him because he's asleep already.



When he wakes up the next morning (and the sun is already up and what the hell, when was the last time Dean slept that long?) he feels just as tired as he felt last night.



The waitress in the diner is nice and even kinda hot but Dean can't care enough to even smile up at her. He stares at his menu and realizes that before he gets to the end he already forgets the beginning. In the end he just smiles at the waitress and points to something random.

Sam is looking at him with that look; the looks that says 'I know you're hiding something from me.'

Dean can't care enough about that either.

"I'll be right back," Sam says and gets up, heading towards what Dean assumes are the toilets. The next thing he knows is that Sam is shaking him awake.

"Dude, did you get any sleep at all last night?" he asks after Dean jerks himself awake and Sam slips into his seat across the table.

"Yeah, yeah I did," Dean says and leans his elbows on the table, props his head up in his hands and draws a deep breath through his teeth. His eyes sting and keep closing despite his best efforts. "Maybe not as much as I thought, though," Dean adds and looks at Sam.

Sam's eyebrows are furrowed and Dean can't tell if he's pissed or worried or just thoughtful.



Dean remembers days when he could go with minimum of sleep for days - weeks even - and felt better than he does now after a night full of undisturbed sleep and two naps in the car. Sam is driving and it takes Dean a few seconds to realize they're not in the Impala because they had to stash her away for a while.

Dean falls asleep again missing his car.



Sam wakes him up and asks him to drive for a while.

"I'm falling asleep, man," Sam yawns while opening the door and getting out of the car. Dean wonders how long has he been sleeping and given that it's dark already he suspects that at least several hours. He pops his back and before he has the chance to open his door Sam is there already, ushering him out of the car.

"Hurry up, it's cold," he says.

Dean slides behind the wheel while Sam slides into the car next to him.

"As soon as you see a motel or anything, stop. I can't wait to lie in an actual bed, these seats are so uncomfortable," Sam mumbles and leans his head against the seat, closing his eyes.

Dean grips the wheel and his fingers feel loose and rubbery. He's so tired but he knows he shouldn't be – he did sleep for the better part of the drive. He can drive for a few minutes before they find a motel.



Dean almost crashes the car into a tree, his eyes closing with their own free will; but only almost. He swirls the wheel at the last possible moment and glances at Sam who only snores loudly.



Dean turns on the computer to do some googling himself while Sam is out to get breakfast. He wakes up when Sam comes back.

It's not like Dean can't stay awake – he can, when he really wants to - or has to. But why should he?



Sam gets pissed at Dean when he falls asleep during research on their new hunt – a vengeful spirit in Arizona – and lets him hear it to great lenghts.

" – and the worst thing is," Sam is saying while Dean blankly stares at him, too sleepy to even defend himself, "that you are obviously struggling with something but you just won't. Let me. Help. Dean," he says sharply and Dean opens his eyes, "you gotta know this is not normal. Not even you can be in such a denial."

Dean stares at his own feet before nodding slowly.



The doctor says something about idiopathic hypersomnia and that's when Dean stops listening. He keeps his eyes open but his thoughts are elsewhere. He knows Sam is listening to every word, every instruction and that he'll remember them better than Dean ever could, hypersomnia or not.



"Where are we?" Dean asks when he opens his eyes. The car is parked and there's complete darkness outside.

"Rufus' cabin," Sam replies and turns to Dean. "We're gonna hole up here for a while, wait for your pills to kick in ('– they're antidepressants, Dean, the doctor said they usually help some –'), get you back on your feet."

"Sam," Dean moans and closes his eyes. "We don't exactly have time to hole up anywhere. Remember the Leviathans? Remember Cas in the nuthouse we left him in? Come on, man. We have too much to do."

"Yeah, well," Sam says and he looks a little pissed again, "what are you good for, exactly, when you can't stay awake for six hours straight?"

Dean just shrugs and says nothing and Sam sighs.

"I didn't mean it like that, Dean," he says softly, "but you can't hunt the Leviathans while falling asleep standing up."

"Alright," Dean says and opens the door. "Let's stay, then. But just for a few days."

Comments

[mad-server.livejournal.com]

Snuggle piiieeeee.

You did an amazing job getting his exhaustion and listlessness across, and I love how Sam is so on the ball. And how he takes him to the doctor, which AWWW.

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much!

I guess I know what it feels like to be just sooo tired, so it wasn't that hard. And Sam is a precious little thing. He will always take care of his big bro! Thank you very much once again!

[tsubasalove87.livejournal.com]

"...glances at Sam who only snores loudly."

LOL.

Awesome <3

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

They both almost slept through their deaths! :D

Thank you very much.

[nwspaprtaxis.livejournal.com]

Oh man. This one just *hurts*. I've been having emotional issues lately and Dean's listlessness and exhaustion and his sheer depression - whether he admits to it or not - comes across so clearly here and it aches. And I love how Sam's so on it and how he's stepping up and taking care of his big brother because regardless of if Dean admits to it or not, Dean needs someone to look after his ass. And Sam's concern and sheer compassion and care is so touching here. I want this Sam.

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

It's been so easy for me to get into Dean's headspace lately that it's starting to scare me. And Sam is always so precious in my head, I would like to write him as a bratty jerk at least once and I can't. In my head Sam always takes care of his big brother because, just like you said, Dean needs it - no matter what he thinks.

Thank you very much!

[nwspaprtaxis.livejournal.com]

I think I like you.

*friends*

I hear you on Dean's headspace being so easy to tap into. I'm part of that crew as well. And I agree - Sam's totally a sweet guy who looks out for and takes care of his big brother in my own head as well... shame Show fails kind of fails at showing that once in a while.

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

♥ ♥ Yes, yes, *friends*

Being able to get into Dean's head is awesome and scary at the same time. And Show fails to show a lot of things... But I keep saying - that's what fic is for! And I still love Show anyway.

[biketest.livejournal.com]

I am in love with every single thing you write. I'm so glad you're participating in this meme!!! This fic is so well written, the tone is kind of... sleepy, I guess, and it fits perfectly with the story!

"Why the fuck would I ever be depressed"

Aww, wow. It's really sad how this line comes across so ridiculous that it's funny. Poor guy. ;_;

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

Aaw, thank you so much! I'm so glad there is a meme I can participate in, I love prompts. Thank you. For some reason I keep writing "sleepy" fics while in reality I'm a little ball of vibrant energy and CAPSLOCK...

Yes, Dean sometimes tries to snark and fails and ends up sounding heartbreakingly ridiculous. :'(

Once again - thank you very much, I'm so glad you like my writing.

[lidoshka.livejournal.com]

*sniff*

poor Dean! ;_; i thougth it was a supernatural illnes, but it's so much worse when the cause is 'normal' wanna hug that man!

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well for the Winchesters the 'normal' is more difficult to deal with than the supernatural. You can't just burn some bones and make it disappear.

Thank you for reading!

[maypoles.livejournal.com]

"Why the fuck would I ever be depressed"

Oh, man. DEAN. <333 I could practically feel his exhaustion.

Thank-you so much for this. I loved it and wanted it to go on for foreverrrr. I adore s7!Dean's headspace, and I adore the way you got into it here. You are my herooo.

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, I'm so glad you like it. S7 Dean's head is an interesting place to be in. ;)

Once again, thank you so much.

[roque-clasique.livejournal.com]

This is excellent and so sad. It made me yawn to read it. Yawn and cry.

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much, I'm glad you like it!

[tiggeratl1.livejournal.com]

Poor mentally exhausted Dean. *snuggles him* You did wonderful with the prompt and the boys!!

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much!

[astarloa.livejournal.com]

This is my perfect Sam, right here.

And the way you capture the overwhelming need to sleep, even when the rational part of your brain says you shouldn't be tired, is perfect. Wonderful writing.

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I'm so glad you like it, thank you! ♥

[simonejester.livejournal.com]

Add one more to the list of people for whom this story hit particularly hard. I know how the depression never-fully-rested thing feels (damn you wonky brain chemistry!) and I'm so glad Dean has Sam to take care of him, because having constant proof that someone cares that much about you makes such a difference.

*wipes tears, blows nose*

[seeing-ghosts.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I know that feeling, too, and as much as it's annoying most of the time, being able to write about it in a believable way makes it almost worth it. Almost. ;)

Thank you very much, I'm glad you like it!